Rambling

I try to do the right thing. I try to be this bigger person and keep my head up. Yet it seems it’s gets me no where except two places…. In tears and hurt or just really angry. I can’t apologize for how I am or who am. I have a big heart and sometimes I wish I didn’t. I question why is things happening to me or why can’t stuff happen to me. I wonder am I not spiritual enough, is there a vendetta against me, like what could it possibly be. Because I’m struggling I’m hurt and I can I know God hears the brokenhearted and heals them. I know that he helps the righteous and they are never forsaken and will never have to beg for a thing. So I wonder where am I on that list. Am I bad?  What is because in my eyes I’m all those. I pray each night, I pay my tithes, I treat others how I want to be treated, I try to be humble and live by his will. So what is wrong with me? I’m not saying I’m holy and don’t sin but i do my part of what is right. I try.
But then I thought maybe I’m not praying right, I’m not specific enough. But still it didn’t seem I was being heard. I do understand he moves when he wants to move. But Lord I need you!

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Weekend recharge

the story of life summed up

Drizzling Happiness

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Life is too ironic to fully understand. It takes sadness to understand happiness, noise to appreciate silence and absence to value presence.

And it takes 5 long hardworking days to loveee the weekend. I miss writing. I feel so deprived due to lack of time.  I used to be able to blog on a daily basis. Just writing about everyday happenings helped me to express and unload my burdens. Not being able to do that now due to exhaustion and lack of time….I don’t know, I feel so bottled. I am one who needs to write on a regular basis just to clean up and organize my thoughts.

Looking forward to do some blogging this weekend. Please look forward to it.

Photo taken in Dec 2012 in Nami Island, Korea.

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“Baby Mama Drama”

Well this is my first blog ever. I titled the post “Baby Mama Drama” because I was told that a couple of days ago.

I fell in love 4 years ago and two years ago I had a son. Me and his father did good. I was completing school and had helped him secure the job most young men and women would love to have. We were financially stable on our own. Child turns one father no longer wants his family but older women and their family. Hence now…. I feel into the habit of being what I have termed the “fall back girl”. Now I have matured some but I think experiences helped me to mature even if it is over night so to speak. Well my biggest fear I have now realize is what if he takes my baby around another woman and my son likes her more. Granted I am his mother and I know no one can come between that but it still crosses my mind. Don’t judge me, because i am sure women and men alike for that matter have encountered that thought. But I know I have to let go, why not allow more people to love that sweet soul besides me. He knows I am his mother. To a degree I have tried to package my son and I together as in when saying your family this or that. but now I realize my son is his family not me. he did not leave my son he walked away from me. However with that being said he has to step up to the plate when it comes to his son financially and with attention as he would do when there is no one else in the picture! Is that fair to me or my son, no? Can I force him to be consistent even if i scream it until i am blue in the face? Again that answer is no. And I have finally reached peace with that or so i think in my mind currently. lol

The second thing that bothers me is thinking of my son in the future…. what if I get married and have another child, what if my baby boy thinks its unfair that his parents weren’t together and he has to split his time in two places. what if he ends up feeling it was his fault in the matter. and the same if his dad has another child or gets married. I don’t have the answers but im hoping God is preparing me and my son for something great to come ! ~zmj